Criminal shit

I can’t get into bird chirping. I
know people who are like “It was so nice. I woke up to birds chirping” First of
all, there is nothing nice about waking up. You know why? Waking up puts you
that much closer to getting out of bed. If somebody was to write a How to Get
Out of Bed handbook, waking up would be Step One. Second of all, when I wake up
to birds chirping I think “Great, even the birds are enjoying life more than
me” then I get up and shut the window.


It seems like it’s always one bird chirping to another bird two trees away. Hey hey hey, you can fly! It’ll take
two wing flaps for you to go sit next to her and chirp at a conversational
level. You’re being loud AND lazy.


There is no other animal that can
get away with that. You never hear people saying

“Good morning honey, do you hear
those dogs barking? It’s gonna be a greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat day”


“Babe, wake up! Listen to the
snakes hissing, it almost sounds like they’re in our room. Make love to me”


“Sweetheart, are you listening to
those humans screaming? That’s what life is about. Let’s just call in sick and
enjoy the day together”


I googled “why do birds chirp?”
turns out the New York Times had a blurb about it in 1993. Yes, even people who
read the Times are wondering why. Chirping is used for mating and protecting


So I get the whole mating thing. If
all I had to do was chirp to symbolize I’m ready for mating I’d be the most
annoying chirper around. Who knows, I might even rent a Big Bird costume and
give this whole I chirp, We mate
theory a try. It’s the predawn part I have the biggest problem with. I’m sure
there are birds that get annoyed with the whole thing too, lonely birds who
hate getting up at the crack of dawn. These guys are just hoping for a broken
wing accident so they can get some pity mating.

But protecting territory through
chirping?  Chirping is not intimidating. In
fact it’s somewhat of an audio taunt. I don’t yell out my window “Hellloooooooo
this is where I keep my stuff, therefore this is my territory. If you think it’s
your territory we will have to have a physical altercation about it. Helllllllllllllllllllooooo.
I said …this is where I keep my stuff, therefore this is my territory………………..”


On a final
note, and maybe this should have been the only note, how can anyone relish in the
voice of a beast who has the power to shit on us from a distance?  I know, it doesn’t happen often but when it
does, it’s not easily forgotton. I got shit on 3 or 4 years ago eating steamers
at a dockside restaurant in Montauk, sitting across from a manboy I had coerced
into coming on a two day gig with me. There I was reaching for my vodka soda,
hold the soda, and splat. A bird shit on me. Now I have no reason to believe
the bird aimed for me. I don’t. I have no reason to believe that. But I believe
it anyway.

The guy I was
with was a detective so I immediately put him on the case. I wanted to press
charges. This was criminal shit.  I tried to give a description. I asked if he could be an eyewitness or
would it be a conflict of interest. My manboy found none of it funny. Except
the part where he got to see me get shit on. He really liked that.  


Anyway, I
never saw that bird again but I still have the feces sample in the event he
strikes again.

A repeat offender.

Shit and run.


Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns
a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell
her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.           

twitter @kendracomedy




Published: October 26, 1993 Q&A

Published: October 26, 1993

New York Times

Predawn Chirping

Q. Why do birds chirp before dawn?

A. Birds sing or chirp in the growing predawn light for the
same complicated reasons that they do at other times of day, said Martha
Fischer, an education assistant at the Cornell Laboratory of Ornithology in
Ithaca, N.Y. Singing in springtime by the male serves purposes like signifying
the nesting territory and attracting females for mating. At other times, chirping
can keep the flock together or be a warning signal.

"Some birds will continue all day," Ms. Fischer
said. "They just start at dawn." She said her guess was that birds
burst into song around dawn "after some down time, so they are thoroughly
rested, to start anew re-establishing their territory," in effect saying,
"I'm still here."


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