Hammer Time


My mother is becoming a combative conversationalist. When she gets you on the phone she comes right at you with one of two approaches,  either aggressively following up on loose ends from conversations from the past, or urgently filling you in on what is happening  in her direct line of vision.  So you either get the litany of follow ups:

ME:  “ Hi Mom”

HER:”What happened at the post office? Did they reimburse you for the postage? They better have. It’s ridiculous for you to pay twenty something dollars for me to get my package AFTER Mother’s Day. I mean c’mon. What were they doing with it?”

ME: “They reimbursed me”

HER:”Well, that was the right thing to do. Don’t you think? You didn’t even get the service you paid for”

ME:”Yeah. Its all taken care of. What are you up to?”

HER:”Same old shit. Did you put your winter clothes away? You said you were gonna do that. It’ll give you a lot of room once you do that ya know what I’m saying? You have so many coats. Do you wear all those coats?”

Or the up to the minute play by play:

ME:”Hi Mom”

HER:”Oh for Christs Sake, I’m at Macys looking for sandals. You should see the sandals I have on. How can someone make a stupid looking shoe and nobody in the factory says “Hey that looks stupid”?.  I had to return that other pair because I have hammertoe.  I told you that right? My toes all messed up”

ME:”No, you didn’t. Is that painful?”

HER:”Not really but its ugly as sin. But yeah, it hurts when shoes rub up against it so I need to get special shoes. This lady sitting next to me had nice feet and she bought big loafer things, I told her she should get sandals but she just went on and bought those manlike loafers. I don’t get people. She was wearing purple and yellow. It actually looked nice on her.”

ME:” Ok call me when you’re done”

HER:”You should get your feet checked. Hammer toes are hereditary”


This is an actual text from Mrs. C:

“Didn’t want to tell you when at work. I got to work early and Peter is early also. He says is that chocolate on your sandal. OMG. It was a big hunk of crap. It wAs as big as a Ping Pong ball don’t have a clue.  If I zepped in dog doo I would have known. Hope you are bust tonight XO”

I responded “ maybe your hammer toe shit on your shoe. They’re known to do that you know. “



  Fake feet




Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.





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