Somebody recently asked me that age old question “Do you think
you’re
afraid of success?” I wish I was afraid of success. That would
be a
normal fear. I’m afraid to wear a scarf. I wear a scarf and I
feel like
I’m taunting the stranglers. I’m walking down the street trying
to keep
warm thinking “I’m a walking crime scene, an accomplice in my
own murder.
I put this scarf on, I went out in public, I knew there were
people in the
world who like to strangle people, and I flaunted an opportunity
right in
front of their face. Annnnnnnnnd I hear footsteps.” If you ever
see me
wearing a scarf, odds are I’m also running, running from
imaginary mean
people.
I don’t think I’m afraid of success. Then again my ideas of
success change
every year, sometimes every day. Today my idea of success was to
have an
Ellen Barkin-like job where I got to say things like “you listen
to me,
you son of a bitch……..” And make out with that son of a bitch 10
seconds
later. Yes, making out on the clock was included in today’s
version of
success. So in that instance, no, I’m not afraid of success.
My biggest fear is feeling like I haven’t accomplished enough. I
like to
accomplish things and I like to accomplish things as quickly as
possible.
It’s hard for me to enjoy the process because I’m white knuckled, aggressively
focussed on finishing whatever it is. Even sex, I'm sexually competitive and looking to finish on top.
Pun intended.
I have sex like I’m
going for a KO in record breaking time. The last guy I was involved with
sounded
like a coach in bed “Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy below the belt.
Remember what
we talked about, conserve energy.” I’m a haymaker. It’s not so
much skill
as it is endurance and overenthusiasm. Anything just to tire the
guy out.
He’s falling off the bed and I’m standing with my hand on my
hip, swigging
on a water bottle, panting out the count down “10…9…8…”
It’s always hard to schedule a rematch but I don’t take it
personally.
I just practice my 2013 motto
“Be a competitor. Even when you don’t have to be”
This is me getting horned up
Thanks for listening!
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a
super
comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the
hell her
sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
www.kendracunningham.com
www.blondelogicblog.com
twitter @kendracomedy
